"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
