Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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