i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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