Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
