she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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