dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize