Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As shirtless as possible
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
