when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
