Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
