The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
