Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
