6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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