Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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