You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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