Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
soo... how was my night?
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