Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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