Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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