listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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