the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
ok first of all what the fuck
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize