im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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