rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
