My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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