This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
