I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
