we made out on top of his cat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
