I just threw up on my dentist
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
