She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
