Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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