He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize