I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
