Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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