My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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