Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
