I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
