the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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