I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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