my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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