What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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