if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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