you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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