Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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