i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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