Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
