i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
