is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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