You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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