You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
