Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
