fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
