I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
