i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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