They should really pass out barf bags in church
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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