the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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