I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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