i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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