If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
